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Aladdin (2019)
The film opens on the sea where Will Smith is sailing with his wife and two children, Omar (Jordan A. Nash) and Lian (Taliyah Blair). He starts to tell the children a bullshit tale of a street rat, a princess, and a magic lamp. The kids ask that he sings since he tells stories better that way, and so he proceeds (“Arabian Nights”) and takes us to the kingdom of Agrabah. Hey he better be telling the ACTUAL good animated movie. Somewhere outside the city, the evil pedophile socerer Jafar (Marwan Kenzari) and his parrot Iago (Alan Tudyk) are standing outside the Cave of Wonders waiting for some dumbass to go in and retrieve a lamb and you know the drill: the Cave rejects all those that it finds unworthy by burying them deep into the sand until it has found the “diamond in the rough” We meet Aladdin, who spots a hot chick who gets in trouble after giving away bread to children without paying. Aladdin comes to her rescue, and together they get chased by the Royal Guards. After a while they elude their pursuers, and Aladdin takes the girl to his place for some tea. The girl calls herself Dalia, and is the handmaiden to the Princess of Agrabah. Wait What? your telling me this chick is her handmaiden? where the fuck has she been in the animated one? Ok anyways She suddenly has to leave as another asshole-prince, Prince Anders, arrives. Dalia happens to be Princess Jasmine and Dalia is the name of her handmaid and best friend (still questioning where the fuck she was during the 1992 movie.) Meanwhile, The Sultan's trusted councilor, Jafar, is plotting to take the Sultan's place by acquiring the Magic Lamp. However, it is hidden in a enchanted Cave of Wonders, and only the "Diamond in the Rough" may enter, which he is not. So, he spends weeks searching for this Diamond in the Rough. One evening, after literally embarrassing the shit out of Prince Anders, Jasmine receives a surprise visit from Aladdin, who has come to return her mother's bracelet, which Abu stole. Still thinking she's Dalia, he leaves her with a promise to meet her again, but is caught by the royal guards (ummmm… pretty sure this wasn't in the original but who cares). The next day, Aladdin finds himself in the desert with Jafar, who assumes that he is the Diamond in the Rough. He tells Aladdin that he fucking dumb not seeing that the girl he met was the princess and that he can make him rich enough to impress her if he helps him retrieve the lamp. By evening, they arrive at the cave, and since Aladdin is the Diamond in the Rough he is permitted to enter the cave safely. They have been warned to only retrieve the lamp and not to be tempted by the treasure otherwise they would be trapped inside the cave forever. Along the way they meet a Magic Carpet and find the lamp. However, Abu becomes tempted by a fucking ruby. Ok I liked the monkey in the cartoon, but this one, I honestly hate him Ok so they get trapped in the cave and Aladdin is all like "jafar, bro please help me." Jafar then takes the lamp and is like "fuck no I aint helping yo ass im only in it for the lamb" Category:Reviews